Tuesday, October 11, 2011
My Life is All Deja Vu
I go through routines of class then here..."home". I go through routines of talking to the same people and thinking about the same things. It's true, my life is all Deja Vu, but as my life went on, I rediscovered the people who made me WANT my life to be routine. I've partied a bit here and there on accident (yes, on accident) But it wasn't what I was doing or where I was at that made the time so amazing. It was who I was with. I'm feeling happy again. But then after they leave and I return to my cage of reality, and wait till the next weekend arrives. He knows I'm ignoring him and that things between us have faded, he asks me to reassure him, but I cannot. Within my bland answer of "uh huh" and blank expression, it should be clear to him. It's all clear to me. He can't comfort these tears any longer, so I hold them in. He can't answer my questions anymore, so I don't ask. And lastly, I waste my breath repeating statements he can't understand, so I hold my breath and hold them in until he sees all that I've wanted him to see. When that will be, I don't know. But I'll wait. No other guy has had the same mind as me nor the answers I've wanted and the water of dating isn't something I'm in the mood to test after years of testing. So I'll wait until I can be comfortable. I'll wait until I can hold on permanently with confidence.
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I love you because you are smart beautiful and funny we have video games im starting to get into your music, view on animal crulety, views on schooling and how we try to over acheive with our grades in common yes im quiet at times and childish at times but when its time to be serious i man up and start being serious. i might not share the same views on peircings but i like tatoos and we might not have the same ideas atm with religion but idk what to belive anymore because i do belive in some god but then i belive in science in others. and i understand what you want you want to be happy and not tied down at the age of 19 and that you want to have success and more love than just a boyfriend that doesn't know very much about the world because he hasn't experinced the world like you have. but i am learning slowly and i have plans and i am working towards that plan faster than i expect. i have a few milestones to reach though such as a car a job and a diplomia but it isn't as hard as it seems to get all of that done. i also have the same feeling of being trapped because i know that i can't do what i want being stuck in the house with my parents and not doing anything to better improve myself and to get whatever i want and i have nowhere else to go to better myself because i've been babied for so long that i felt i didn't need friends that would help better myself but to just hang with and half fun. i relize i haven't had the heart breaks you have been through and that i haven't lost what you have and that i haven't had a mother that doesn't care about me but i have missed out on lessions im supposed to learn in life because i haven't had that. such as learning to let go of people such as dominic and keyon. and learning that life is harder than it seems. but now im realizing that i have to start looking harder for a job and study harder for my drivers lisence and just show you that i want you instead of treating you like a best friend. you will always be my best friend but i want to prove to you that you mean more to me then being a friend. i need to prove to you that we have something more in common then what i've said previously. i love you-Brandon<3
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