Life Hits You Like a Brick

So here comes the break up disguised in the name "break" and he isn't aware he's softened the blow by giving it his own name. Along with this brings urges and sicknesses from curiosity. They ask and I answer, stirring up everything I thought I had pushed away. The dilemma of basically being homeless and not knowing wrong from right is twisting my morals all around. It's as if I'm on a leash and I don't think anyone could feel as I feel. My happiness has just kinda withered away. I want to sing this off of my chest, just let my words flow. But I only sing in isolation and silence. I don't want anyone to hear me or my voice. I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel like life is just tightening its grip around my neck and forcing me to to face what I've tried to overlook. I know I have things to do and I can't stay here forever, I don't want to stay here forever. And then what makes me hurt the most is how much I yearn for a good set of stable parents to help me and be close when I need them. To hug them, laugh with them, and to SEE them. Unlike most of these brats, I haven't had a stable hand to hold my hand as I grew. I only had phone calls, drunk idiots, and harsh childhood memories. And now that I've seen this for what it is, why the hell is it still affecting me?

It's 12:44 in the Morning.

I sit here and can type my heart into this as much as I want. It's 2011 and a new generation, but that doesn't lure eyes into anyone else's words. They could care less what happens in your life and could care even more less about what your feeling. So, I see this as a safe haven for all of my emotions. It's hardly ever read by those who know me or interact with me on a daily basis, so we'll refer to my blog as a secret cave. I have a lot of secrets and a lot of things on my mind. I am in a relationship that is expected to move far and go on "forever". Because of my past, I'm holding on to it. Because of my title, I can't let go. And because I don't want to see the pain in his eyes, I'm still clinging onto something faded, worn out, and tattered. We wobble back and forth on unsteady ground..or maybe it's too steady for our age and it causes us to sway back and forth uneasily. Unfortunately, these are the words I've spoken to him, but he doesn't heed my warning. For every smile I have, but look away, I'm doubting what we have. For every late night that I sit here, talking to other people, I'm wondering why it is we're not talking ourselves, and lastly, for every time he tells me he loves me, I question if he can keep me. My title of "heart breaker" exceeds me. I don't like the feeling of letting a love go on and feeling as if it could go somewhere, but asking in the back of your mind the chance of whether it will. I'm nine teen, not looking towards settling down, but looking for a man who can make me feel as if I will be secure. A man that is not old, but is my age, with a bold head on his shoulders. I'm with a boy who loves me with all his heart..or perhaps he loves me because I have been here the longest, I have been his best female companion for the longest, and I've let him hold onto me for the longest. Whatever the case may be, this situation devours me in all angles of the outcomes. I don't know what to do when I've said all I can say. The only thing left to speak is the words stating goodbye and I have not the heart, nor the strength to say them. I guess I will do what I've been doing and tell myself, "With time, he will grow up and he will win my heart back." But I don't think he knows that he ever lost it..especially since I'm just realizing he has.


January Dream: My best friend of ten years may have impacted my heart a bit, but no more than it has been over these past years. We loved each other before we even knew what love was. We stuck together all along because the company of having someone who has known you since you had all your innocence contained is comforting; relaxing. To know you can be yourself around this person because of a bond created through out time is something that you can never force or replace, which is what makes it so pure. I'm hoping, somewhat praying, that I can see my best friend again. To hug him again and know that he is still real, as real as he ever was when we were kids, is all I really want. It's been 5 years since I've spoken face to face with whom I once called my childhood sweetheart. I've realized that love is something that will never diminish for me. Because love is something that I once had but no longer have. Something that is miles away and you yearn to be right next to you, talking you though everything going on in your life. I'm still in love.

Lastly to sum up this input, I'm preparing myself to visit my father and mother in Saudi Arabia. I am excited to not just experience a new culture and see a new part of the world, but to see my Dad and Mom again in their setting. Me and Stephanie have gotten more acquainted which makes it easier for me to call her mom now. She does everything I ever wanted a mom to do: to ask about me, to call me endearing names like "pumpkin" or "sweetie". And I know she won't abandon me nor hurt me. She's responsible and is conservative enough to prove to me that she will never become careless or ridiculously tasteless. She's proving to me that not all hope is lost and that we go through tons in our lives before we reach what's the best. The funny thing is, I don't think she even knows this. Goodnight*