Previously, I had a positive out look on life's tests,but now I'm not so sure. I sit in my boy friend's room listening to my mellow play list with a damp wash cloth on my head. I have spent the past school year living with my biological mother in her house. After her and my step father had separated, we were left with a roof over our head and he moved out, but with him went the way to provide. She had no job and I was the only one in the house who made any type of income for the months I lived there. With time, my step father slowly quit paying payments and soon enough, we had no gas and our house was foreclosed. With her harsh words, crude and vulgar language, I was shown the old mother whom I had stayed away from in the previous years. She was the same mother who had abandoned me at friends' houses or left me with random baby sitters so she could go out and live as if she were a teenager. With three kids, you would wonder what would cause her to think that frequently doing this was acceptable. However, she behaved nonchalantly about her actions which eventually led to how she lost me and my brothers in the first place. Over the years, my childhood was a blur. All I remember as I was growing up was my disdain and confusion about the wretched woman who gave birth to me. In fact, she was so despised that when I was in trouble, the option of going to live with her was viewed as a punishment. I moved to Virginia at age 15 and in that course, she had contacted me and my curiosity about her took over. Unfortunately, curiosity killed that reassurance that I ever had about our relationship being mended. Her vulgar ways came out and by then, I wanted nothing to do with her. Again, at age 17 (approaching 18) my current mother figure and I weren't on good terms. My relationship with my bio-mom was once again renewed and I ignored all the negative hints along the way. Things started out good and I was promised a stable household with real parents. My "real" parents proved to be just as troublesome as any other past family I had had. They were bar flies, leaving and going in late hours of the night.Even after the separation, her ways never changed. we went through a room mate who was a friend of hers. she proved herself to be a promiscuous, lazy and insecure troll, so she was removed from the household. The whole situation of living with bio-mom was a mess in all honesty and all events were foretelling. Which is why it's here I sit, sick to my stomach, wondering when all these hardships will end. With a father in Saudi, a busy step mother, and a bar fly for a bio-mom, I am lost. What is hope when all your life, you go from dilemma to dilemma. With few benefits along the way to reassure my hope, I haven't completely lost my sanity. I just constantly pray and ask God why it is that there is suffering? Why did he create so much for me to battle at a young age and why do these problems haunt me? Was I cursed from the day I was born? If this is a test, is it only over when I die? It's a pessimistic view and i don't mean to behave like an emo teen, but I constantly catch myself asking "why me God?" I'm still waiting for my reply.
However, though I may not have a definite answer, I have a way to keep my sorrows at the back of my head. My boy friend and his parents have been more than helpful beyond any means. Though his parents are not my own, they provide a stable sense of security towards me and let me sleep at night. they've opened up their home and their arms, and no matter what is done, they have no idea what their hospitality has done. they are one of the greatest benefits I've encountered along the way. I can wait forever for my reply from God, but they're the ones that make me believe that all hope is not gone.
